I am an overcomer! :)

I can do Anything through Christ who strengthens me!!!!!!!!!!!! Philipians 4:13

 

I am an over comer. I am more than a conqueror through Christ. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

Today I’m speaking into existence what I believe to be true, not necessarily what is. Today I’m practicing doing what I need to do even though I’d rather nap. Today I’m being real and coming to grips with some things. It hasn’t been all sunshine and roses since my Easter Weekend experience, although I would say that it’s been a LOT better since then.

When I gave birth to my son Noah almost 2 years ago, I didn’t want to admit that I fell into some serious post-pardom depression. In fact, Noah was almost one year before I actually said – ok I need some help with this. And likewise I’ve been hesitant to let it out that I’ve been feeling pretty depressed after closing out this past chapter of my life (aka losing my job).

I think that’s probably because I was so happy about it – I was miserable and looking for a way out and God did just what I asked Him to do for me. But I also didn’t take into account that even though I was excited and happy about the shift, it also was a HUGE change for me. I was suddenly thrown out the world and the work “family” that I had known for 9 years! That’s practically a decade!

After I got out I started pouring myself into the new work I was doing and was getting no-where. I overpromised and under delivered, ok way under delivered. I had no energy and was content to stay on the couch and watch Noah play all day. At some point I realized I was starting to feel the same way that I felt that summer Noah was born. Like everything else was going on around me but I was just left behind, in a fog, without the energy or desire to change it.

It frustrated me because I felt like I was making so much progress with my counseling and to fall back down the hole? Ugh. That just added to the depression.

One thing I tend to forget is that this is a daily battle. The battle against depression is won in small choices, baby steps, and almost constant reminding that feeling a little down isn’t a sign of things to come.

Yesterday at my counseling appointment my therapist said something that really stuck with me. The emptiness that I feel inside is not necessarily a bad thing. That hole is actually potential. It’s the potential for good days. It’s the potential for new things and new feelings. It’s the potential for a life so much greater. And I have to remind myself to pray and ask God to fill that hole. And he is. He’s healing me one step at a time.

He’s with me through every scary thing – like today when I finally admitted to my best friend that I’ve been in a depressive funk for the past few months. I didn’t want to tell her but I knew that she needed to know and that more importantly I needed to admit that.

Every day I’m one step closer.

I am an over comer. I am more than a conqueror through Christ. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

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Not Proud, But Honest

My husband tells me I don’t understand. He says I’ve never been there and I won’t understand until I am.

Maybe I don’t understand. I’m naive and optimistic and I’ve known this about myself for pretty much all my life. And honestly I prefer it that way. I don’t like the bitter, pessimistic person I was for a couple years in my mid-twenties.

Is the judgement we feel from others, really just our own guilt and judgement of ourselves? If we say up and down that we are ok with a certain decision and yet we can’t bring ourselves to let our friends find out, then are we really ok with it?

And I have felt like people were judging me. When I broke off my engagement a few years back because I wasn’t happy and it wasn’t right. I was judged. When I willingly gave up my car and lived without one for over two years, I was judged. Every day through high school when I wore what I had and not the latest name brands, I was judged. Does this judgment not count because these are menial things?

But really my question is – is that judgement really that much different from Christian judgement? And what makes Christian judgement so much worse? Is that what I don’t understand? Is it that much worse because you care about the people who end up judging you?

Is it because we assume that the majority of those who judge others are hypocrites? (And is that me judging the judging habits of others?) We all have skeletons in the closet and just because you didn’t do whatever it is you’re judging me for doesn’t mean you haven’t done something else supposedly judge-worthy.

The truth is that no matter where you go, no matter who you meet, no matter which church you attend, you will probably encounter some sort of judgement. But guys we can’t listen to that. Yes it’s hurtful and it makes us ask ourselves and selft-dout and guilt. But that isn’t from God. We know that right? So why is it so hard to shake?

Why is judgement as opposed to jokes and taunts so hard to face. To call it for what it is and shake it off.

And yet I sit here writing this and I’m reminded of all the times that I’ve talked about the hard stuff in life. And I cringed and my voice got soft and I tried to hide what I was really saying hoping they would pick up in between the lines because I can’t just say – here’s the supposedly horrible thing I did that may make me a “bad person” in your eyes. Followed closely by “but here’s the really great outcome because if I didn’t do that I wouldn’t be here yada yada”. Is the guilt and justification that I feel coming from them or from me?

I understand that this is easy to say now and harder to live out but I accept my skeletons. I accept my ghosts. I’m not proud of it, but I accept it. And I’ll be open with you about it. Because I’m not going to fear being judged. And I’m not going to lie about my life. I’m going to trust God that He forgives me and He will use my life experiences to help others not make the “mistakes” I made. But if they do – well then I’m here to  love them. LOVE them. To cry and smile and laugh and move forward. Because I’ve been there – I’ve been judged, and I’ve done things that others will judge me for when they find out and unfortunately I’m sure I’ve been the one judging others too. <— See definitely not proud…but honest. 🙂

True love doesn’t judge, or keep a record of wrongs. True love forgives.
Our highest commandment is to love. Always love.

Tears Fall

I try to hold the tears back and yet the harder I try, the faster they come.

My face is red, I’m holding my breath, trying to think happy thoughts and I say to  God – I don’t know what to say right now. I want to talk to you about this but I don’t know what to say to you right now.

My mind is blank but my heart is racing and there are so many thoughts going through my head that I believe that everything has just stopped, that the synapses have stopped firing.

I open the door and try to hide my face from my friend. I don’t want her to see me crying…again. And when I think I’ve got myself under control I look up and I see the love in her eyes and I just lose it.

I tell her it’s been a rough morning. I don’t want to “gossip”. But she understands and she doesn’t need to know any more. She begins to speak and her words fill my soul.

It’s amazing how someone can speak to you and you know that it’s coming from God. You can just hear Him talking and if you’ve never experienced it before I probably sound a little crazy when I say this, but it’s true. Standing there in the kitchen in my tears, in my hurt, in my brokenness God spoke to me.

When I got honest with Him, when I went to Him first, He spoke to me. And it wasn’t in the way I was expecting. Thirty minutes earlier I sat in the bedroom expecting a heavenly voice to fall upon me when I called and I would know what to do, but that didn’t come. So I got up and went with my day and I cried out to God again and He answered. God is good!

Here I was in a situation where I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen and I feel hurt and lost and confused and out of control and the feelings are just overwhelming. And He reminds me that God gave us feelings and they aren’t a bad thing. He wants us to feel because feeling teaches you, feeling heals you, feeling changes things.

And then He reminded me that He works all things for good and instead of looking at this like it’s a bad thing (and believe me things look pretty bad right now) I should be expectantly waiting to see what God does with this situation. How is He going to use this to prove the enemy wrong?! How is He going to use this for good?! How is He going to use this be a blessing to others?! Gosh I could go on and on and on but I was reminded of this. We can feel hurt, and feel sad and feel angry but that’s all that it is. God is in control. He knew this was going to happen, He knew that this would be a turning point, He knows what He is doing and He WILL turn it all for good. I may not know what that is yet but I do know that some day at some point this will turn to good. This will turn around. God will prevail and not only will this hurt be taken away but those tears will be reconciled to an abundance of smiles and love.

God is Good. Don’t give up. When everything seems to be against you when your world seems like it’s falling apart – yes it will hurt, yes you will be sad but I promise you that doesn’t mean you’ve lost your faith. It’s ok to tell God how you feel – He wants to hear from you and He wants to change that! Keep your faith in Him and He will work all things for good!

Thirty two tissues later I’m still crying but for a completely different reason – because I can feel God’s love and I’m in awe of how He is working in my life. I’m in awe of the amazing people He’s placed in my path.  And I’m in awe of how good He is! If this is love, I don’t want to feel anything else.