Em-bare-assed

There is nothing that drags me down faster than embarrassment!

It doesn’t look like it used to, with a “friend” thinking its funny to pull up my skirt in the middle of the 8th grade wing at school. Everyone laughed. It was horrible, as you can imagine. No, now that I’m in my 30’s embarrassment looks a little different but certainly feels worse.

Have you ever gotten to a place in life where you are like, how the f$#* did I get here?

And when you think to reach out you realize you’ve burned your bridges, and you are embarrassed even ashamed of your choices?

What about starting again? Can’t you look for a new job? Put the baby in day care? Yes. The answer is yes. But what I don’t think anyone understands is how much the thought of all that makes me paralyzed.

I know that I will never be “ready” to do those things, and everyday that I don’t I feel more and more worthless which feeds into the depression and the embarrassment and the guilt and the sitting and doing nothing.

Can you tell it’s been a rough day? 😉

How do you get to “no more excuses”? How does this change? At what point will I stop letting my embarrassment keep me down? At what point will I fight , consistently, day after day?

Please God I hope it’s today. I don’t want to be a “disappointment” anymore. Actually what I really want is that I don’t want to believe lies like that anymore. That is where the fight begins, and maybe that’s where the fight has been all along. In my head.

Have you ever let embarrassment lead your life? How did you get past it?

– Jess

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Things That Make Me Happy

Yes it’s a cliche post. No I don’t care. 😛 I want to show you both sides of my life and I realize that I talk a lot more about the hard parts than the happy parts. I also realize that the more I do that, the more I feed into those hard parts too. So today I’m choosing to look up and share some things that currently make me happy. And some cute kid pics, because who doesn’t love that! 😉

Doing Crafts with the Kids
I love to draw and paint and craft and express my creativity and thankfully so do my boys! I also love that my 2year old decided it was more fun to paint his leg than the assigned crafts – that’s my boy 🙂

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Going To The Library
Ever since we moved from a small town to an even smaller town we’ve taken the kids to the library a bunch of times. Loving the age and season appropriate books and loving even more that Noah ASKS to read them. Proud mama here 🙂

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Teaching My Kids Very Important Life Skills
You know, like how to properly rake leaves into a giant pile and jump jump jump into them. I believe everyone should know the pure joy of doing that. Even if I do end up a sniffly, sneezy mess afterwards. 😛

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Really all of these things have something in common. Adventure. Taking life and having some fun in it! That is what I am really so happy and thankful for today!

Go ahead, find the adventure today, jump in a leaf pile, try the new flavor of coffee, draw a picture with finger paint. Tell them I told you to. 😉

– Jess

Laundry – Five Minute Friday

It’s Five Minute Friday again! 🙂 Today’s prompt: Laundry. Learn more about Five Minute Friday here Five Minute Friday

Laundry.
Ugh.

I like to start laundry, get it in the washer. I feel accomplished.

And then I end up starting something else. Or Noah wakes up. Or I’m just too plain tired to get up and put it in the dryer.

Then I’m left with more washing, and sometimes more forgetting. It’s a vicious cycle.

Isn’t this what I kind of do in life too though? I put it off until there is way too much and it’s overwhelming. Then I start a project, make a plan, even buy supplies.

And that’s where it happens I start to feel accomplished but I haven’t really done anything and then something else comes up. Life gets in the way of my well made plans. Days later I’m defeated and twice as overwhelmed and the laundry still isn’t done either.

Gosh who knew laundry could have such a life metaphor?

I better go put a load in……an set a couple timers so I don’t forget. 😉

-Jess

She

This is my first Five Minute Friday. Basically you are given a topic & 5 minutes and you write and post unedited. That’s what I did here 🙂 Today’s topic: She. Learn more about Five Minute Friday here Five Minute Friday

She works and works and works and doesn’t stop. She worries and stresses an prays an has faith and stops. She is back and forth up and down and all around. Her world is chaos and imaginative and connected all in one. She doesn’t know who she wants to be or where she wants to do it and who she was to do it with but she’s figuring out that just plain wondering and thinking isn’t getting her any farther than she wa befor.

She’s trying and dreaming and trying some more. She thinks she’s failing but it’s really more like flailing and grasping to find something to hold I to. Love, Jesus, her marriage, her son, anything to hold into to remember that this season will pass. Anything to remind her to fight for her dreams and what she wants and mostly fight for herself from the sadness that threatens to envelop her.

She is getting better. Better at recognizing bad days and brushing them off. Better at finding good days. Better at admitting she is getting better.

The Thing I Forget Most Often

One of the things I learned early on is that when Mama is ready to go, the whole house moves faster. When I attend to myself first (and I’m talking hair, makeup, clean clothes) it’s SO much easier to get the rest of the house done with the same.

However, in other areas of my life I’m not so disciplined with putting myself first. I tend to work out everyone else’s schedule before my own, get everyone else’s laundry done, drive the family where they need to go, feed everyone first, and the list goes on. Please don’t read this as a “poor me” post. I like to do these things, I like that I’m on top of most things and I can get it done.

No, the thing that I forget most often in all of this is to take care of myself.

After many years I’ve realized that I need time to refuel myself too. When I don’t do this, I become bitter and resentful and generally not happy and all of that feeds into my depression. I’m not sure why taking care of myself is so low on the priority list for me, but it is. And while I don’t want to go to the other extreme and be demanding or high maintenance, I do want to develop a habit of taking care of myself.

For me, recharging could be reading a book, taking a shower, organizing the closet or even watching the new “Good Luck Charlie” episode. (Yes, I love that show!) I need to remember that recharging doesn’t have to be an all day thing, that it could be a few minutes here or something penciled in there.

Most of the time finding what it is that I need to recharge isn’t the issue, the real issue is letting myself take that time. The issue is reminding myself that I deserve the time to myself too. So often I think I get caught up in what I think I should be doing and thoughts like “how could I read my book when there are rooms to clean” that I don’t let myself take the time I need.

So yesterday morning I thought it would be nice to take a run. Not that I often run, but after a weekend of Bacon Caramel Truffles I think my body was craving some movement. It felt SO good. Not just to exercise, to breathe fresh air, and to be alone, but to see something I needed and go after it. That was the best recharge I could have given myself.

– Jess

 

I am an overcomer! :)

I can do Anything through Christ who strengthens me!!!!!!!!!!!! Philipians 4:13

 

I am an over comer. I am more than a conqueror through Christ. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

Today I’m speaking into existence what I believe to be true, not necessarily what is. Today I’m practicing doing what I need to do even though I’d rather nap. Today I’m being real and coming to grips with some things. It hasn’t been all sunshine and roses since my Easter Weekend experience, although I would say that it’s been a LOT better since then.

When I gave birth to my son Noah almost 2 years ago, I didn’t want to admit that I fell into some serious post-pardom depression. In fact, Noah was almost one year before I actually said – ok I need some help with this. And likewise I’ve been hesitant to let it out that I’ve been feeling pretty depressed after closing out this past chapter of my life (aka losing my job).

I think that’s probably because I was so happy about it – I was miserable and looking for a way out and God did just what I asked Him to do for me. But I also didn’t take into account that even though I was excited and happy about the shift, it also was a HUGE change for me. I was suddenly thrown out the world and the work “family” that I had known for 9 years! That’s practically a decade!

After I got out I started pouring myself into the new work I was doing and was getting no-where. I overpromised and under delivered, ok way under delivered. I had no energy and was content to stay on the couch and watch Noah play all day. At some point I realized I was starting to feel the same way that I felt that summer Noah was born. Like everything else was going on around me but I was just left behind, in a fog, without the energy or desire to change it.

It frustrated me because I felt like I was making so much progress with my counseling and to fall back down the hole? Ugh. That just added to the depression.

One thing I tend to forget is that this is a daily battle. The battle against depression is won in small choices, baby steps, and almost constant reminding that feeling a little down isn’t a sign of things to come.

Yesterday at my counseling appointment my therapist said something that really stuck with me. The emptiness that I feel inside is not necessarily a bad thing. That hole is actually potential. It’s the potential for good days. It’s the potential for new things and new feelings. It’s the potential for a life so much greater. And I have to remind myself to pray and ask God to fill that hole. And he is. He’s healing me one step at a time.

He’s with me through every scary thing – like today when I finally admitted to my best friend that I’ve been in a depressive funk for the past few months. I didn’t want to tell her but I knew that she needed to know and that more importantly I needed to admit that.

Every day I’m one step closer.

I am an over comer. I am more than a conqueror through Christ. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.