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Just Keep Going

Just Keep Going

It’s so hard for me sometimes to remember to keep going. Sadly yet honestly when things get hard I tap out, sit on the couch and pout. This is a huge life change I’m trying to accomplish, to overcome my sadness to feel my emotions and yet to learn how to not get bogged down by them. I find inspiration in things that remind me that I don’t have to be perfect, that the text to a friend doesn’t have to be perfect, that I just need to keep going. Today I’m choosing to keep going, to keep moving, to venture out into new land.

Just keep going, yup I can do that.

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This Kid Is on to Something

I remember being younger and getting to a point where when someone asked me what I wanted to be in my life, I just said happy. I wanted to be happy. Kind of ironic now that I think about. πŸ˜›

In any case, I’ve realized that I lost sight of making sure I was being taken care of. Because when I take care of myself it’s easier to see the joy.

I love what this kid has to say. It makes me want to be more conscious of what I’m emphasizing to my boys as they get older.

Did you ever think about happiness when you were younger? Or did it just come naturally to you?

Looking Ahead, Not Back

It’s been one hell of a year. 2013 has certainly tried it’s darn-est to knock me down. Between layoffs, personal catastrophes, alienation, losing our apartment, living with family and being the worst financial place of my life, I’d say I’m looking forward to a new year.

But, as I wrote during November’s 30 Days of Gratitude, I want to look at all that I’ve learned this year and not focus on just the hardships I’ve been through. It’s this mentality that I go back to when I’m tempted to run through all the things that have gone wrong these past few months. I’m fighting to keep a positive outlook and that has really been helping.

So as the year winds to a close I thought I’d reminisce about what I’ve learned this year, about myself, about the world and just life in general.

– I’ve learned that friendship takes work but it’s so worth it and I so, so need more of it in my life.

– I was meant to fly, soar and rise above.

– My strength is found in love and joy.

– I can do hard things.

– I am braver than I thought.

– The secret to life is to keep moving. Keep getting up. Keep trying.

– Hard work scares me. Yet it’s what I need to get to where I want.

– My dreams are worth chasing. Big, small, easy, hard – they are all worth going after. Every. Single. One.

– I am capable of more than I even know.

– I’ve been given a gift to love and connect with people in a very genuine way and I am most at peace when I let that shine through.

– Most of all – LOVE WINS!

 

Here’s to picking up the pieces, taking my own advice and rocking 2014.

Happy New Year!

 

– Jess πŸ™‚

Em-bare-assed

There is nothing that drags me down faster than embarrassment!

It doesn’t look like it used to, with a “friend” thinking its funny to pull up my skirt in the middle of the 8th grade wing at school. Everyone laughed. It was horrible, as you can imagine. No, now that I’m in my 30’s embarrassment looks a little different but certainly feels worse.

Have you ever gotten to a place in life where you are like, how the f$#* did I get here?

And when you think to reach out you realize you’ve burned your bridges, and you are embarrassed even ashamed of your choices?

What about starting again? Can’t you look for a new job? Put the baby in day care? Yes. The answer is yes. But what I don’t think anyone understands is how much the thought of all that makes me paralyzed.

I know that I will never be “ready” to do those things, and everyday that I don’t I feel more and more worthless which feeds into the depression and the embarrassment and the guilt and the sitting and doing nothing.

Can you tell it’s been a rough day? πŸ˜‰

How do you get to “no more excuses”? How does this change? At what point will I stop letting my embarrassment keep me down? At what point will I fight , consistently, day after day?

Please God I hope it’s today. I don’t want to be a “disappointment” anymore. Actually what I really want is that I don’t want to believe lies like that anymore. That is where the fight begins, and maybe that’s where the fight has been all along. In my head.

Have you ever let embarrassment lead your life? How did you get past it?

– Jess

My Kind of Therapy

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Crafting is my kind of thing. Sewing patterns drawn me in. I swoon over new yarn. Don’t even get me started about the colors of paint and pencils and markers – I want to buy them all.Β Yet when life gets busy and stressful and well crazy,Β the one thing that I love to do ends up being the last thing on my list.

I realized though that crafting is like creating, and creating is like creativity, and creativity is a part of me. It’s when I am most at peace. It’s when I’m most content. Despite the stresses of some craft projects it is actually a relaxing activity for me. It boggles my mind why I don’t do it more often.

So when I had two hours to myself this past weekend I decided to craft. It’s not perfect and it’s not meant to be. It’s about getting back to me and the very things that make me excited. So here it is – my therapy.

I found an old shoe box top painted it a fun turquoise-ish blue and added my words. Nothing fancy, but I love it. And I love what it means to me too. πŸ™‚ New beginnings, hope, change and life.

– Jess πŸ™‚

Things That Make Me Happy

Yes it’s a cliche post. No I don’t care. πŸ˜› I want to show you both sides of my life and I realize that I talk a lot more about the hard parts than the happy parts. I also realize that the more I do that, the more I feed into those hard parts too. So today I’m choosing to look up and share some things that currently make me happy. And some cute kid pics, because who doesn’t love that! πŸ˜‰

Doing Crafts with the Kids
I love to draw and paint and craft and express my creativity and thankfully so do my boys! I also love that my 2year old decided it was more fun to paint his leg than the assigned crafts – that’s my boy πŸ™‚

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Going To The Library
Ever since we moved from a small town to an even smaller town we’ve taken the kids to the library a bunch of times. Loving the age and season appropriate books and loving even more that Noah ASKS to read them. Proud mama here πŸ™‚

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Teaching My Kids Very Important Life Skills
You know, like how to properly rake leaves into a giant pile and jump jump jump into them. I believe everyone should know the pure joy of doing that. Even if I do end up a sniffly, sneezy mess afterwards. πŸ˜›

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Really all of these things have something in common. Adventure. Taking life and having some fun in it! That is what I am really so happy and thankful for today!

Go ahead, find the adventure today, jump in a leaf pile, try the new flavor of coffee, draw a picture with finger paint. Tell them I told you to. πŸ˜‰

– Jess

My Dukes Are Up

I’m feeling a bit defensive today.

Like I would verbally spat with anyone who dare question the direction of my life right now.

Not a new emotion for me but putting a name to it and being able to identify it is pretty new. Definitely progress if I do say so myself. πŸ˜‰

I think the defensiveness is coming from what I am assuming other people are thinking about me. A dangerous road for sure.

It’s coming from trying to be confident in choices that have been made. Some have been conscious choices, others have been because I let life do the picking for me. And that’s where my guilt comes in. That’s where I start to question everything and I feel like its all a mess too big to dig out of.

That’s also where I end up getting stuck in the muck of it all. I’m knee deep in guilt and shame and confusion and I forget that looking down into the muck doesn’t help me get unstuck. And wishing Id though to put on pretty pink boots doesn’t help me know.

I need to look up. Remember that the sun is shining and that I am breathing and that God has a plan for me and that He uses all things for good.

I need to look up to find a branch to reach out and hold onto. I need to look up to see the help that is waiting for days when I can’t bear to show my face. I need to look up and remind my weary heart that “this too shall pass”, and that I can start the movement of change right now.

– Jess

For the days I don’t know why

Today’s one of those days. Where everyone is asking me if I feel ok or what is going on or if I’m alright. Yet up until their question I don’t think I realized anything was wrong.

Apparently, despite my best intentions, I wear my heart on my sleeve and it shows on my face.

Ever have one of those days? Where you’re just following where the days goes, not feeling good or bad but every one thinks something is wrong?

This happens more than you’d guess and at the end of the day i feel like i have a complex.

My answer to everyone’s question is usually a resounding NO nothing’s wrong and I feel just fine. All while getting more and more frustrated anyone would ask such a ridiculous question. They don’t believe me and frankly I don’t believe me either. I just don’t know what’s bothering me on days like this.

In any case, for these days I think I need a plan. I need to give myself some slack and maybe some chocolate ice cream too. πŸ˜‰

Loving myself & taking care of myself may be all that’s needed on the days I don’t know why I feel sad. Who knows that may be all I need to make a better tomorrow too.

-Jess

Laundry – Five Minute Friday

It’s Five Minute Friday again! πŸ™‚ Today’s prompt: Laundry. Learn more about Five Minute Friday here Five Minute Friday

Laundry.
Ugh.

I like to start laundry, get it in the washer. I feel accomplished.

And then I end up starting something else. Or Noah wakes up. Or I’m just too plain tired to get up and put it in the dryer.

Then I’m left with more washing, and sometimes more forgetting. It’s a vicious cycle.

Isn’t this what I kind of do in life too though? I put it off until there is way too much and it’s overwhelming. Then I start a project, make a plan, even buy supplies.

And that’s where it happens I start to feel accomplished but I haven’t really done anything and then something else comes up. Life gets in the way of my well made plans. Days later I’m defeated and twice as overwhelmed and the laundry still isn’t done either.

Gosh who knew laundry could have such a life metaphor?

I better go put a load in……an set a couple timers so I don’t forget. πŸ˜‰

-Jess

When Progress Doesn’t Feel Like Progress

I can tell things are changing.

It’s nothing huge and it’s nothing I can necessarily pinpoint. There are certainly more ok days, less bad days, and even a few great days; these days.

Not much has changed in our personal situation, in fact 2013 has dumped more than me and my family than I ever knew could happen to us. So I know it’s not just an external thing that is making it seem like I feel better. No, its internal, it’s inside, things are changing.

This week in my counseling session I told my therapist that I find myself getting angry these days. A feeling that I have never really felt before. I mean I never used to be angry. Ever. Not once would a family member or friend describe me as having that emotion. So to me, it’s new and overwhelming and a little scary.

She looked at me, smiled, and said “I think that’s progress.”

Baffled, i thought didn’t she hear me? Isn’t this bad? I mean anger is not good, right? And then it hit me, I felt something. I mean really felt an emotion other than sadness. For the first time in I don’t know how long I felt another emotion. It’s not my proudest accomplishment. But she’s right it is progress.

Sometimes progress doesn’t look like hearts and flowers and smiley faces. Sometimes progress is a small step outside the invisible box. And I realized that if I can feel something other than nothing, then I bet I can start feeling happy and joyful and compassionate and excitement.

And that my friends, got me excited! πŸ˜‰

-Jess