I am a people pleaser.
There I said it.
It seems weird to call myself that but all indications point to the diagnosis. 😛
Funny enough I tend to dream about living a life different from others expectations and one that others don’t understand. Yet when push comes to shove I have trouble defending my choices especially when it comes to my parents. I’m sure deep down I just really want their love and affirmation that I’m on the right track. The age old problem that I haven’t quite yet figured out yet.
Today my dad asked if I moved forward on a potential job opportunity. I hadn’t in fact the thought of pursuing it makes me weak in the knees and want to hurl. I took that as a sign that I shouldn’t move forward with that but I could;t tell him. So I told him that she was looking for someone with more sales experience. He seemed disappointed and that’s where the fears and doubts and shitiness set in. (No I’m not sure if that is a word but that’s kinda how I felt.)
I didn’t want to be honest with him. Tell him that his daughter has bigger plans? That a 9-5 job isn’t for me? That I dream of using my skills but in a way unique to me? Loftier ideas? Surely not. Why would I do that? What if I failed? Then what would he say? I’m pre-judging that he wouldn’t understand.
Then again NO ONE really understood when I CHOSE to live without a car for almost 3 years. No one understood when I CHOSE to participate in 6 boards at one time. No one understands when I CHOSE to love and forgive and show up again and again and again.
And no one is going to understand now either as I pursue some dreams of my own that don’t look like the normal way of life.
The person who I’m meant to be fight with the person I thought I was and that keeps me down and depressed and hopeless. I struggle with wanting affirmation for doing things the “right way” and wanting to do them MY way. Or at least the way I feel I’m led. 🙂 Thank God for my husband who was right there when I needed him today. I reached out as soon as I started to feel down and I prayed and the heaviness lifted.
I don’t want to be a people pleaser – I want to live the life that I’m meant to live.
Eyes on the prize baby – Eyes on the prize.