I had an amazing weekend. The darkness, the depression, the weight that I spoke about on Thursday (The Shoes) came to a head that night when talking with my husband. We were talking about where I was at with an event that I was supposed to be coordinating. I was way behind, pretty upset with myself and it was late at night.
We went back and forth about responsibility and excellence and how I couldn’t explain and how he couldn’t understand where I was at or how I felt. I finally told him that there was a part of me that just didn’t even want to go to the event the next day. That I would rather lay in bed all day than have to go and show my face there. I was embarrassed that the event wasn’t going to be what we wanted it. I was nervous that it would be a complete mess. I was scarred that I had done it all wrong.
And that’s when my husband said this: Jess you can lay in bed, that’s your choice. OR you can get up and fight. You can CHOOSE to take the day head on tomorrow and show up and LEAD like I know you can do. He said that it was a turning point and whichever way I chose was the path that I was going to go down.
He was right. I knew I wasn’t supposed to back down. I knew that I was supposed to step up. That even though the event wasn’t 100% what I wanted it to be that it still needed a leader and even though he was willing, he couldn’t do it for me.
I’m proud to say that I did it. I stepped up and lead like I was supposed to. I fought off the darkness and won.
I don’t know why a small event that I was way more than capable of running made me so incapacitated and question everything. (Yes you read that right, the stress of it all was the straw that threatened to break my back.) But I will tell you this – something IS different now.
It’s not that I’m not feeling nervous or anxious, but something is different about how I’m able to handle it. I am a fighter. I am getting up. I am leaning on my beloved. I am moving on.
Powerful words. Powerful weekend.