Not Proud, But Honest

My husband tells me I don’t understand. He says I’ve never been there and I won’t understand until I am.

Maybe I don’t understand. I’m naive and optimistic and I’ve known this about myself for pretty much all my life. And honestly I prefer it that way. I don’t like the bitter, pessimistic person I was for a couple years in my mid-twenties.

Is the judgement we feel from others, really just our own guilt and judgement of ourselves? If we say up and down that we are ok with a certain decision and yet we can’t bring ourselves to let our friends find out, then are we really ok with it?

And I have felt like people were judging me. When I broke off my engagement a few years back because I wasn’t happy and it wasn’t right. I was judged. When I willingly gave up my car and lived without one for over two years, I was judged. Every day through high school when I wore what I had and not the latest name brands, I was judged. Does this judgment not count because these are menial things?

But really my question is – is that judgement really that much different from Christian judgement? And what makes Christian judgement so much worse? Is that what I don’t understand? Is it that much worse because you care about the people who end up judging you?

Is it because we assume that the majority of those who judge others are hypocrites? (And is that me judging the judging habits of others?) We all have skeletons in the closet and just because you didn’t do whatever it is you’re judging me for doesn’t mean you haven’t done something else supposedly judge-worthy.

The truth is that no matter where you go, no matter who you meet, no matter which church you attend, you will probably encounter some sort of judgement. But guys we can’t listen to that. Yes it’s hurtful and it makes us ask ourselves and selft-dout and guilt. But that isn’t from God. We know that right? So why is it so hard to shake?

Why is judgement as opposed to jokes and taunts so hard to face. To call it for what it is and shake it off.

And yet I sit here writing this and I’m reminded of all the times that I’ve talked about the hard stuff in life. And I cringed and my voice got soft and I tried to hide what I was really saying hoping they would pick up in between the lines because I can’t just say – here’s the supposedly horrible thing I did that may make me a “bad person” in your eyes. Followed closely by “but here’s the really great outcome because if I didn’t do that I wouldn’t be here yada yada”. Is the guilt and justification that I feel coming from them or from me?

I understand that this is easy to say now and harder to live out but I accept my skeletons. I accept my ghosts. I’m not proud of it, but I accept it. And I’ll be open with you about it. Because I’m not going to fear being judged. And I’m not going to lie about my life. I’m going to trust God that He forgives me and He will use my life experiences to help others not make the “mistakes” I made. But if they do – well then I’m here to  love them. LOVE them. To cry and smile and laugh and move forward. Because I’ve been there – I’ve been judged, and I’ve done things that others will judge me for when they find out and unfortunately I’m sure I’ve been the one judging others too. <— See definitely not proud…but honest. 🙂

True love doesn’t judge, or keep a record of wrongs. True love forgives.
Our highest commandment is to love. Always love.

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