I try to hold the tears back and yet the harder I try, the faster they come.
My face is red, I’m holding my breath, trying to think happy thoughts and I say to God – I don’t know what to say right now. I want to talk to you about this but I don’t know what to say to you right now.
My mind is blank but my heart is racing and there are so many thoughts going through my head that I believe that everything has just stopped, that the synapses have stopped firing.
I open the door and try to hide my face from my friend. I don’t want her to see me crying…again. And when I think I’ve got myself under control I look up and I see the love in her eyes and I just lose it.
I tell her it’s been a rough morning. I don’t want to “gossip”. But she understands and she doesn’t need to know any more. She begins to speak and her words fill my soul.
It’s amazing how someone can speak to you and you know that it’s coming from God. You can just hear Him talking and if you’ve never experienced it before I probably sound a little crazy when I say this, but it’s true. Standing there in the kitchen in my tears, in my hurt, in my brokenness God spoke to me.
When I got honest with Him, when I went to Him first, He spoke to me. And it wasn’t in the way I was expecting. Thirty minutes earlier I sat in the bedroom expecting a heavenly voice to fall upon me when I called and I would know what to do, but that didn’t come. So I got up and went with my day and I cried out to God again and He answered. God is good!
Here I was in a situation where I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen and I feel hurt and lost and confused and out of control and the feelings are just overwhelming. And He reminds me that God gave us feelings and they aren’t a bad thing. He wants us to feel because feeling teaches you, feeling heals you, feeling changes things.
And then He reminded me that He works all things for good and instead of looking at this like it’s a bad thing (and believe me things look pretty bad right now) I should be expectantly waiting to see what God does with this situation. How is He going to use this to prove the enemy wrong?! How is He going to use this for good?! How is He going to use this be a blessing to others?! Gosh I could go on and on and on but I was reminded of this. We can feel hurt, and feel sad and feel angry but that’s all that it is. God is in control. He knew this was going to happen, He knew that this would be a turning point, He knows what He is doing and He WILL turn it all for good. I may not know what that is yet but I do know that some day at some point this will turn to good. This will turn around. God will prevail and not only will this hurt be taken away but those tears will be reconciled to an abundance of smiles and love.
God is Good. Don’t give up. When everything seems to be against you when your world seems like it’s falling apart – yes it will hurt, yes you will be sad but I promise you that doesn’t mean you’ve lost your faith. It’s ok to tell God how you feel – He wants to hear from you and He wants to change that! Keep your faith in Him and He will work all things for good!
Thirty two tissues later I’m still crying but for a completely different reason – because I can feel God’s love and I’m in awe of how He is working in my life. I’m in awe of the amazing people He’s placed in my path. And I’m in awe of how good He is! If this is love, I don’t want to feel anything else.